Seireitei Communication's Advice Column
by Totoromo
Summary: The Seireitei Communication has an advice column with different guest columnists. A little bit of crack for fun. This week: Orihime and Uryu.
1. Renji & Rangiku

**Title: **Seireitei Communication's Advice Column

**Fandom: **Bleach

**Rating: **T, for mild adult situations and language

**Description: **The Seireitei Communications has an advice column with different guest columnists. A little bit of crack for fun.

**Disclaimer: **Bleach is created and owned by Tite Kubo, I merely pay homage to characters and a story I love.

_A/N: You know how there's something you're supposed to do but instead you do something completely different? Yeah, I do that all the time. So lazy…_

* * *

Hello this is Shuuhei Hisagi, acting chief editor of the Seireitei Communication. As noted in the last issue we have Renji Abarai, lieutenant of Squad 6 answering your questions and giving advice! Joining him is Rangiku Matsumoto, lieutenant of Squad 10. I didn't tell you that she was going to be here before because I didn't want to read through a billion questions about boobs.

* * *

**There's a girl that I really like but I can't get enough courage to ask her out. What can I do to help me get to that step? – Cowardly Lion**

Well CL, my suggestion is sake. Lots and lots of sake. Then you go up and tell her you like her. That way, if she says no, later you just pretend that you were so wasted that you had no idea what you were doing. – Renji

I would say the opposite. Give her sake. Lots and lots of sake. When she's good and drunk then you go and talk to her. You'll seem charming, suave, attractive, whatever it is that you want. If it doesn't go well, then just hope that she gets so wasted that she doesn't even remember the next day. The bonus of this is you can do it multiple times to try and perfect your technique (have you ever seen Groundhog's Day?) – Rangiku

* * *

**I really like my captain. He's super cute and amazing in every way. How do I get him to notice me? – I Heart my Captain**

Ok Heart, which captain are you talking about? That really guides my answer. I mean, if it's Captain Kyoraku, it's not like there's a lot to do there. Just don't fend him off next time he attacks. Most of the captains seem to be fairly shy about their love life, and I can just never get him…them…to open up to me and tell me what they think, so I can't really give you any advice. Good luck! – Renji

Heart, what captain? It better not be mine! He's mine! Well, not really, but I'm very protective of him and I _will _come after you. He is not interested in you or anyone else. Um, if it's not then…oh my god what if it was Captain Kurotsuchi? Wouldn't that be gross? So…good luck. – Rangiku

* * *

**Have you ever noticed that your lieutenant is supposed to be working but instead they are working on something stupid, like an advice column? – Anonymous**

Er…I'm going to assume that this is Captain Hitsugaya because I would _never ever_ work on this during my work hours. In fact, I've been staying in extra hours all month to get everything done, so there's really no reason to get mad at me. Right? – Renji

Renji! It has to be Renji because I'm way too good of a lieutenant to get caught…er…to do outside work instead of my office work. I've been trying very hard to get everything done and the only reason it hasn't gotten finished is because…there was a storm and I was lost and then I…lost my puppy…then I got sick? Something like that. Believe me. – Rangiku

* * *

**You're so cute! I have such a secret crush on you but I don't really th****ink I'm your type. What kind of animal do you like? What's your favorite color? Do you dye your hair? – Secret Fan.**

Take it easy Secret Fan (aka, Stalker). For those reading this I cut out about a dozen questions. I doubt my sleeping habits and underwear are things I should be talking about. Um, I like lots of animals. I like big dogs, like Huskies. I like black, it's cool. Dark glasses are super hot and I love my tattoos. NO I DON'T DYE MY HAIR, and no I'm not going to prove it like you suggested Stalker. – Renji

Well, you didn't know I'd be answering questions but I am anyways, Stalker. I love cats; sensual, aloof, beautiful, graceful. Wait…I don't find cats sensual, that makes me sound gross. I just think that I am sensual and I am like a cat so…ok, stop laughing at me Renji. I love pinks and reds. They are romantic colors and feminine. Of course my hair is natural, ALL PARTS OF ME ARE NATURAL AND AMAZING. EAT IT STALKER WHO IS NOT STALKING ME BUT RENJI FOR SOME REASON. – Rangiku

* * *

Next time we will have Ikkaku Madarame and Yumichika Ayasegawa answering questions. Yumichika just told me "about anything" with a wink but Ikkaku just hit him.


	2. Ikkaku & Yumichika

Hello dear readers, once again this is acting chief editor of the Seireitei Communication, Shuuhei Hisagi. This week we have Ikkaku Madarame and Yumichika Ayasegawa from Squad 11 giving advice.

* * *

**My girlfriend says I go out and get drunk with my friends too often and is constantly mad at me. What can I do? – Likes to Party**

Man, you are so screwed. She's just a bitch; you're going to have to dump her. I mean, either you're going to go and she's just gonna nag you all the time, or you're going to stay home and be miserable and miss hanging out with your friends. – Ikkaku

I think what Ikkaku is missing is that Likes to Party doesn't say how often he goes out. What if he's going out every day? That isn't healthy. Maybe she's just tired of getting calls at 3am telling her that she has to pick him up. Maybe she is a fun person but his friends are all just drunken slobs who don't appreciate her wit and beauty. For all you know she's a complete angel and he's just some asshole that she's been taking care of out of the goodness of her heart. My advice is to buy her flowers and ask for forgiveness because otherwise you're going to be spending your nights only with your drunken coarse friends with no woman to come home to at all. – Yumichika

* * *

**I'm kind of a plain person and the fact that we all are mostly just wearing black makes it even harder for me to stand out. What can I do to make myself more noticeable? – Plain Jane**

Plain Jane, have you noticed the female to male ratio around here? Honestly, it's not really like you have to do anything. Just go to one of the bars just outside the Seireitei walls on a Friday or Saturday night and you'll be fine. Get anyone drunk enough, don't be uptight, and it's not going to be a problem. You should see some of the people Iba's gone home with, seriously. - Ikkaku

She didn't say she wanted to get laid, Ikkaku; she just said that she wanted to get noticed more often. Plain Jane, you haven't mentioned what you actually look like aside from plain. If you're actually full on ugly I suggest you embrace your anonymity and let other people have the joy of not having to see you. If you are merely plain or average looking and just want a higher profile then there are a couple of things you can do. Depending on what squad you are on you will have different amounts of leeway with the modifications that you can make to your uniform. Most will allow a scarf of some sort, or hand covers or gloves (just claim that you are cold if someone complains). All squads allow you to have your hair however you want. If you're in a more relaxed squad I suggest a bright color in a fun and edgy razor trimmed cut. Jewelry is also allowed, although you probably don't want anything expensive because blood oxidizes fine metals. By the way, a good way to get blood stains out of clothing is by soaking it in cold water and pour hydrogen peroxide directly onto the stain. Remember to never dry something with heat when it's still blood-stained, because then it becomes really hard to get out. – Yumichika

* * *

**How do you keep a long term relationship going? It's not like I don't love him anymore, I just don't really feel the spark I used to. – Ember**

First of all, stop being such a freaking pussy. Oh wah, I'm not falling over myself in lust for him anymore. That's probably your problem, not his, or at least both of your problems. It's easy to get stuck into a rut, but you're letting yourself get stuck there. You've already realized you have a problem, and already decided that you still love him, so then why not do something about it instead of whining? Just act like you used to when you first met him I guarantee it will spark something in him. Then he'll act lovey-dovey and special towards you, which will make you all hot for him again, which will make him wild for you…get it? You have to start it instead of sitting on your ass being sad though. – Ikkaku

I uh…guess I don't really have anything to add to that, Ember. Lingerie is nice too. – Yumichika

* * *

**Yumichika, how do you get your skin so white and soft looking? I like to imagine that you bathe in milk. =) - Cream Bath**

WHAT THE HELL KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT? - Ikkaku

I do. With plum blossoms. - Yumichika

* * *

Next week we have the pleasure of having both the Squad 8 captain and lieutenant answering questions. Captain Kyoraku and Lieutenant Ise, we're glad you're going to be with us! Also, Captain, remember to keep any advice PG-13.

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_A/N: So a couple people asked if they could send questions in. Why not? I don't promise to use it but I might. Include your fake advice name as well (or I can make one up, either way). You can post it in the comments or pm me._


	3. Shunsui & Nanao

Welcome loyal readers, Shuuhei Hisagi here as acting chief editor of the Seireitei Communication. This week we have Captain Shunsui Kyoraku and Lieutenant Nanao Ise answering your questions. I'm sorry if there are any errors, this was added to the publication last minute after Lieutenant Ise forced her captain to write his answers while I waited.

* * *

**What's the best cure for a hangover? – Out Late**

The best thing to do is just not get up in the morning. Pretty much anything else is going to hurt at least a little (aside from just drinking some more, which I also recommend). – Shunsui

Don't get drunk in the first place. If you can't possibly control yourself because you have the self control of a newt, remember that most of the effects of a hangover are caused by dehydration and lack of vitamins. Drink a lot, preferably something like orange juice that is full of vitamin C. Caffeine will actually make it worse, so avoid a strong cup of coffee. – Nanao

* * *

**What is the best way to deal with sexual harassment in my squad? This isn't a one time thing, but a constant thing (I'm female and unranked). – Over It**

Talk to the lieutenant in your squad, they are supposed to be your representative and are there to protect your interests. There are very firm guidelines laid out in the shinigami handbook as to appropriate work behavior (or even off work behavior if the person is trying to use their rank to intimidate you into doing something you're not comfortable with). Hopefully the problem can be dealt with through arbitration, if not then more stringent means will be necessary. If you'd rather not deal with all of that, come to my squad, we're always nice to the ladies ;) – Shunsui

I swear for a second I was almost happy that you were actually acting like a captain, Captain Kyoraku, and then you change it into a recruitment call to what, attract vulnerable women? Yes, mention it to a superior. However, you should always been able to defend yourself. Captain Soifon offers a class in self defense for women twice a year that I highly recommend. – Nanao

* * *

**What kind of men does Lieutenant Ise date? I have a friend that's interested but he's a little shy. – Shy**

I don't usually go out on work nights, but I am very active during the weekend. I prefer the more serious career minded type of person, but I am open to trying new things and date men and women if I find them interesting enough. - Nanao

Well, Shy, you (or your friend) is out of luck. My sweet little Nanao doesn't date and probably spends all of her weekends…wait, what? Well, it looks like Nanao is expanding her horizons and I'm offering my support behind her lifestyle choices by deciding to be an intermediary for you if you want to date her. Any attractive women interested in dating my lieutenant, please swing by my office for a brief talk. All I ask for is pictures of your date. – Shunsui

* * *

**Captain Kyoraku, you're so dreamy and I just love everything about you; your voice, the way you dress, how tall you are. How are you just so damn sexy? – Hot Lady**

Oh well it's very simple you see, I just ooze natural charm and it's pretty obvious just talking to me that my sexual prowess…OW! Nanao hit me for some reason. – Shunsui

FAKE. - Nanao

* * *

**Nanao, how do you get your hair to be so perfect? It's so amazing! – ****Admirer**

Nanao uses an organic mint and orange based shampoo and conditioner, and she tries to never blow dry her hair. Instead, she takes a shower or bath at night and lets it air dry. Everyone once in awhile she'll use a simple dish detergent to remove any buildup, or uses a hair mask (I think it's made from olive oil and avocado) to help keep it shiny. Her hair must naturally be very straight because I've never seen her use a hair straightener. – Shunsui

Great, so do I need a restraining order against my own captain? You do know that's creepy and not attractive, right? Yes, I do those things. Also, brushing is good way to get the oils in your hair from the top to the bottom if you have long hair, and I take a multivitamin every day that is good for my health and my hair. Also, I'm getting better blinds. – Nanao

* * *

The lieutenant of Squad 11 has offered her and her captain's service for our next column. I'm not sure how Captain Zaraki will feel about it but Lieutenant Kusajishi has assured me that he will love it. Once again, feel free to send in general questions or ones specifically to Kenpachi Zaraki and Yachiru.


	4. Kenpachi & Yachiru

Shuuhei Hisagi here, glad to have your continued support as the temporary editor in chief of the Seireitei Communication! Surprisingly it seems that a lot of people had questions for the Captain and Lieutenant of Squad 11 for this installment of our advice column.

* * *

**Yachiru-chan, I like to keep on friendly terms with all the captains, but every time I try to talk to Captain Zaraki he asks if I want to fight him. How come he doesn't do this to you? Is there a way to get him to be as nice to me as he is to you?  
- Fearful in Fourth Squad**

I think Kenny doesn't want to fight me because he's really bad at taking care of people and I'm really bad at being sick. He probably just doesn't want to have to deal with helping me get better. – Yachiru

Come on, I met Yachiru when she was a baby. She's still practically a baby. If she wants to fight me she's going to have to get bigger than a munchkin. Come to think of it, if you're extra scrawny or sickly looking I'll probably leave ya alone too. I ain't gonna like ya or be nice to ya unless you actually defeat me though, and then I'm still gonna want to fight ya, so…you're SOL. - Kenpachi

* * *

**I was wondering, where'd Zaraki get his scar? – Curious but too Scared to Ask**

Kenny traveled to the center of earth searching for a clan of dragons. When he found them, he challenged them to battle. They fought for days, causing earthquakes on the surface. At the very end, Kenny stood on the edge of a volcano and stabbed his zanpakuto through the eye of the dragon king, but the dragon made one last attack as he died, clawing Kenny's face before falling into the lava pit below. – Yachiru

That is not how it happened. - Kenpachi

* * *

**Damn ape! How many times do I have to tell you to keep that pink haired rat and those monkeys out of my division! If you come across my labs again I'll redecorate your division into a smoldering crater! - Furious Scientist**

But Monday and Wednesday are "break glass things" days, Tuesday is "set expensive equipment on fire" day, and Thursday is "mixing random potions and force scientists to drink them" day. I already give you three days off. If you have a problem with it, I'm sure Kenny would love to talk to you about it. – Yachiru

Yeah I know. I've been having them annoy the hell outta you for years and it still hasn't pissed you off enough to come over here and bitch at me for it. What's it gonna take to make you fight me? I'll promise to even let you use your lame poisons and your freaky vomiting baby bankai. - Kenpachi

* * *

**How about a rematch, Zaraki? - Senbonzakura**

Oh, I think that would be so fun! If you have a really good fight then maybe Kenny will like you like he likes Ichigo and then I can be at the Kuchiki estate all the time. Well, I pretty much am whenever I want to be anyways, but this way I could make the kitchen staff make me sweets instead of hiding from them! I think Byabya would be a good friend for Kenny; they could do each other's hair. – Yachiru

I don't suppose there's a way of offing Kuchiki and keeping you around is there? You seem like a lot more fun. Maybe he should become your zanpakuto and you can wield him. Look, I don't know zanpakutos work, mine's pouting or a deaf mute or something. Maybe I should threaten to kill the female midget Kuchiki again, that seemed to piss him off. We always get interrupted if I actually get him riled and fighting, but any day you wake up and decide you want to die, be my guest and look me up. – Kenpachi

* * *

**How old is Yachiru?** **– I love Pink Hair!**

This many! – Yachiru

I don't even know. She throws herself birthday parties maybe two or three times a year so I've lost track. Why you asking anyways? Are you a guy? How old are you? If you really want to know how old she is, come by my office and we can…talk about it… - Kenpachi

* * *

Next week we'll have Rukia Kuchiki from Squad 13 and the substitute shinigami Ichigo Kurosaki answering your questions. Once again, thanks for reading!


	5. Ichigo & Rukia

Shuuhei Hisagi here, once again thanking you for reading our publication! We received quite a few questions and letters for Rukia Kuchiki and the Soul Society's most famous Ryoka and have done our best to answer them all!

* * *

**A question for the Substitute regarding your status in pay. Normally a shinigami's salary is fixed according to our rank, with bonus and hazard pay based on the hollows killed and their rankings. You however are not part of any division, do you still recieve pay or are you the only shinigami that works for free? – Accounts Payable Division**

I…pay? Are we actually supposed to get paid for this? – Ichigo

I have been helping Ichigo collect his pay, which is pitifully small. It barely covers my wardrobe and magazine subscriptions. - Rukia

* * *

**What is the worst thing Kon has done in Strawberry's body? – Pictures Please**

Do I really have to talk about this? Honestly, I don't know. I do know enough to start checking the police blotter twitter feed that our town has now when I get home, just to know whether I need to hide out for awhile (which is little hard considering my hair). – Ichigo

Well, I do know for a fact that Ichigo has a piercing in a usually hidden area that Kon got while Ichigo was away. Ichigo was pretty mad about it, especially when it got infected. – Rukia

* * *

**Ichigo, I love you. Do you love me? - Bean Paste Girl**

Seriously, there really has to be some questions for Rukia in this bag. I mean, I'm not even really a shinigami. I didn't even want to do this advice thing in the first place! And why the hell does Rukia know about that piercing? Do you peep on my while I sleep or something? – Ichigo

Ps. I'm pretty sure he's batting for the other team, Bean Paste Girl. – Rukia

* * *

**Rukia, I think your drawings are fantastic. Why not start giving Strawberry over there some lessons? – Avid Admirer**

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M BATTING FOR THE OTHER TEAM? – Ichigo

Ichigo lacks the natural flare and talent that I have for art. In fact, he barely appreciates my art at all. I've given Kon a drawing to get tattooed onto Ichigo's back the next time he gets a change, to help him learn to respect me as an artist. - Rukia

* * *

**Kuchiki-san! Your package has arrived! Kurosaki is going to love this *smirks*! - A Shoppe Keep and His Black Cat**

What is wrong with you Rukia? A tattoo! That's permanent! Your art sucks and if I'm going to get a tattoo it's going to be something totally cool! Also, what did you order from Mr. Hat and Clogs? – Ichigo

Did you include the batteries? – Rukia

* * *

**My father was really upset that certain quincy beat him senseless (and he was so sexy doing it too). I've decided to leave that bas... bad man! No more will I be treated like crap! So, I was wondering if you knew that cute quincy's number? See if I can stay at his place for while, in his strong arms *blushes* - I Hate My Daddy, I'll Show Him**

Um, you're really talking about Uryu? I…well, sure whatever floats your boat I guess. – Ichigo

He lives alone and no one checks on him. I'm including his address. Have fun! – Rukia

* * *

**Ichigo, what is up with you! First you're a shinigami, then human, then a hollow, then a shinigami, then a trick or treating shinigami, then a hollow again, then a shinigami, dude, PICK ONE! - Not Keigo**

God you're such a dork, Keigo. If you're too confused, go back to bed. Ps. switch to decaf. – Ichigo

I'm making up a word to describe what Ichigo is…er…shihullow? Er…maybe we should just stick with Strawberry. - Rukia

* * *

**If your zanpakuto is a reflection of your soul, is Strawberry a moody old man on the inside? - Senbonzakura**

Hey, shut up! He's pretty awesome looking! The fact that he's older just means that I'm mature and a seasoned fighter. Better than being a monkey (I'm looking at you Renji!) – Ichigo

Ichigo IS a moldy old man. He does nothing for fun, studies all the time when he's not training or fighting. He NEVER wants to take me shopping or go to the movies or anything. - Rukia

* * *

**I was curious, have either of you ever been molested by a Magical Unidentified Flying Object With Fur (MUFOWF)? - Grimmkitty**

Well, definitely, if you count Kon. – Ichigo

Kon? You are so blind sometimes, Ichigo. You could practically start your own furry club. – Rukia

* * *

**Rukia, are you Ichigo's pimp? – Not really interested but…well ok, totally interested.  
**

How do you even know what a furry is? What the hell are you even talking about? I regret every moment of doing this. Besides, Kon is always looking up your skirt and trying to grope YOU, not me. And what the hell kind of question is this anyways? Of course she's not my pimp! What's wrong with you shinigami? – Ichigo

Uh-huh, you're still missing the point Ichigo. As far as knowing what furries are, Keigo showed me how to look up words on urban dictionary. I don't really know what a pimp is, so I'll look it up there now…heh…ha…HAHAHHAHA! Yes, I definitely am Ichigo's pimp. I'm taking all callers and willing to sell at even ridiculously low prices! Ichigo is going to regret not giving me money for that concert! – Rukia

* * *

Er, well, that was definitely an interesting column. I have to say that I don't really envy Ichigo Kurosaki having to live with Ms. Kuchiki. Although, I did hear a rumor that she sleeps in his closet in his bedroom, so maybe there's more to their relationship than meets the eye. If not, well then I suggest a good lock for that closet Ichigo, or maybe change rooms.

Next week we have the exiled former captain of Squad 12 and founder of the Department of Research and Development, Kisuke Urahara and his long time friend and former commander of the stealth force, head of Shihoin Clan, Yoruichi Shihoin answering your questions. Kisuke Urahara has also told me that Urahara Shoten is offering a 15% discount to any readers of the Seireitei Communications for the next week.


	6. Kisuke & Yoruichi

Shuuhei Hisagi here, acting chief editor of the Seireitei Communication. I'd like to thank all of our readers for their many questions! I was a little surprised by the turn out, it seems like a lot of people have questions for the mysterious masked…er…hatted…man and the shape sifting super hot…er…former captain of Squad 2.

* * *

**What the hell did Rukia buy from you? - Ichigo "Not Going To Bother Making a Nickname" Kurosaki**

I'm not sure what she finally decided on, although I did get her the catalogue and help her pick the right size for you. – Yoruichi

You think I'd tell you and ruin the surprise, especially considering how much of her money…well your money…she spent on it? By the way, you should ask the Soul Society for a raise, I'm pretty sure they're underpaying you…er…Rukia. – Kisuke

* * *

**You're both sexy and powerful and amazing. So tell me, do birds of a feather flock together? Y'know...anything going on in that shop nighttimes? – Nanao**

We are definitely partners in crime, but as good friends as we are, you'd have to be crazy to date that man longer than two weeks without strangling him. – Yoruichi

Yoruichi is naturally reluctant to divulge her true romantic intentions about me, but who could resist someone as sexy as me? – Kisuke

* * *

**What do you think of Soifon? I heard she is starting a Yoruichi fan club somewhere... – Curious Punishment Squad Member**

Isn't she just adorable? – Yoruichi

Er…adorable? Not that choice of words I would use to describe her. Maniacal, murderous, short tempered, irrational, bipolar…I could think of a lot more…wait a minute. Do you really think she's adorable, Yoruichi? - Kisuke

* * *

**Urahara-san, if you live on the outskirts of Karakura Town and you mainly sell candy (and shinigami goods in the shadows), how do you pay your electric bills, food bills, and water bills? ~Bill**

He's an exotic dancer in his free time! Call me if you want him to perform at your party or club event! - Yoruichi

Um, thanks Yoruichi my dear, but I really don't need any help. I'm NOT a dancer, but I do make extra money selling "male enchantment" supplements. They really work! Ask me and I'll show you! – Kisuke

* * *

**Yoruichi-san, how do you transform into a cat? ~Wondering Person**

I'm fairly sure he's also seduced someone on the city council because I've seen his bills and they are ridiculously low. Oh, how to become a cat. First, be me. Second, think of a cat. Simple as pie really. – Yoruichi

I did NOT seduce anyone on the city council, I merely blackmailed them. It's a lot easier to get dirt on someone when they can't see you. Which reminds me, I also make extra money selling photos of the risqué behavior of the stars to magazines. As far as Yoruichi becoming a cat…well…the first time was quite an accident and she didn't forgive me for a very long time because we didn't know how to get her back into her normal form at first. – Kisuke

* * *

**Urahara-san, Hisagi-san said in the previous issue that you're offering a 15% discount to any readers of the Seireitei Communications. Is that bribe so you can pay your bills? ~Bills Again**

No, he just has some almost out of date merchandise he's trying to unload on unsuspecting costumers. – Yoruichi

We offer a great value here at Urahara's Shop! Although our prices are pitifully low, and a steal with the discount, we offer them to our dear shinigami friends out of the goodness of our heart. Buy extras of everything, they're good as gifts! (Also, property taxes went up again this year). - Kisuke

* * *

**Urahara-san, I think you know this as well as all the readers, but the entire Bleach story is all you fault. - Mr. Obvious**

Hey, I did a lot of work too! I mean, if I hadn't saved Mr. Helpless he would've been axed by Central 46 right away. Plus, I have a secret suspicion that he only created the hogyoku because he was attempting to also be able to turn into a cat. – Yoruichi

Now that's just silly, not everything is about you. As Mr. Obvious pointed out, it's all about ME. Which reminds me, how come I don't get that much love? I've set up a google alert for whenever someone writes something naughty about me and it hardly ever goes off. Maybe I should prance around naked "accidentally" in an upcoming episode. - Kisuke

* * *

**Kisuke, do you ever wear anything besides hats and clogs? – Curious in Squad 12**

Sometimes he doesn't wear the hat, but I swear that I've seen him SLEEPING in those damn clogs. When I was his captain I practically had to rip them off his feet to try and get him into something quieter. – Yoruichi

Yes, like I just mentioned I run around naked! Think about it! Think about it, write about it, and then make sure to send me a link! I'm fairly open minded so be creative! – Kisuke

* * *

**Have you ever stolen Kisuke's hat? - Little Peach**

Oh, I've stolen a lot of things of his. – Yoruichi

Let's not talk about this please. - Kisuke

* * *

**This is going to sound extremely weird, but I read somewhere that cat urine glows under a black light. Is that true Yoruichi? – Kitten Lover**

Yes. I like to spell things. You should see the faces people when they eventually figure it out. – Yoruichi

At Urahara's Shop we sell a black light and cat urine cleaning kit! Guaranteed to work, and I know it does! Also good for making yourself never want to sleep in a motel ever again. Our kit just cleans the stains, not the horrible feeling you get from seeing how really filthy and gross everything around you truly is. - Kisuke

* * *

**What do you two do when no one is around? - CrAzY KiD.**

This isn't really known, but Kisuke is actually allergic to cat dander. I like to change into a cat and make him fall over from sneezing so hard. Then I change back into my usual form and make him pass out from a nose bleed while liberally pointing and laughing at him. – Yoruichi

I'm far to much of a cool and aloof man for that to work on me more than…um…say one hundred times. I take Zyrtec for my allergies now…buy it at the shop for only $20 for 40 gel caps! A great deal! - Kisuke

* * *

**Yourichi is kitty sex enjoyable? And Urahara my friend thinks you're hot. She wonders if you wear boxers or briefs. - Dittykins(You-Know-Who)**

Actually, the whole switching genders things is kind of confusing so I've stayed away from anything that might…well let's just say I'm not positive that I can't get someone pregnant, and I really have no idea how I'd explain kittens to my clan. – Yoruichi

Nothing! Remember, naked! Lots of naked! Write about it now! - Kisuke

* * *

**Yoruichi, when you transform into a cat, where do your clothes go?**

They just fall off. That's why I don't both with underwear or bras since I don't want anyone looking at my under things after I've changed. – Yoruichi

Wait, you have no problem with people see you naked but somehow them seeing your underwear on the ground is crossing the line? Wait a minute, you never wear underwear? - Kisuke

* * *

**Did any of you dress up for Halloween this year? If so, what were you?**

I was Wonder Woman (Cat Woman would have been too predictable, plus she doesn't have an invisible jet). – Yoruichi

I went as Ichigo in a gigai that I had specifically made for the occasion. You have no idea how much fun it was. Getting arrested wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, plus I got in the papers! – Kisuke

* * *

**Yoruichi, where's your zanpakuto? I mean, if you were a captain of your own division earlier in life, you must have one... right? - Curious fellow #429**

Ah yes, when I was much younger I used my zanpakuto a lot more frequently and there are pictures of Kisuke and I training from those days. – Yoruichi

She didn't answer your question on purpose. I don't know why she's so sensitive about the subject. Just tell them you don't bring it with you and leave it at that. – Kisuke

* * *

**Kisuke, CAN I HAVE MORE CANDY? - XxPinkCandyGirl11**

No. Dear god no. – Yoruichi

I accept all customers with money! Also customers who threaten to destroy my shop if I don't give them what they want. (ps. I got something new for you, called pop rocks, I think you'll like them) - Kisuke

* * *

**Urahara, I'm currently looking for a job since my capta... err, the job market has sucked a lot lately, reducing my hours, cutting my pay below a 10th seat! I'll show them when I leave he's not getting a better lieu... um, secretary better than me, yeah. So, are you hiring? - Tattoos are Badass**

Don't fall for it Renji, he'll just make you an indentured servant. He'll work you to the bone, not pay you, and then make you feel like it's your fault somehow. I, on the other hand, offer a lot better benefits. – Yoruichi

I can always use a helping hand, especially around the holiday season! I can't afford to pay you much because *sniff* I am a very very poor old man. Wait a minute, are you offering a job or hitting on him, Yoruichi? - Kisuke

* * *

**Christmas is coming, have either of you prepared gifts for Ichigo-kun? – Wanna-be-Santa**

Absolutely. Ichigo isn't going to know what hit him. – Yoruichi

It's not just me, right? It kind of sounds like she's hitting on everyone? Right? I mean, I'm not insecure…as her best friend…or anything. Oh yes, I did make something for Ichigo, it's a pass to get to the Soul Society whenever he wants. But it only goes to Captain Zaraki's office. I'm curious to see if he'll use it or not. – Kisuke

* * *

Well that's it for this advice column! Next week we have Captain Ukitake of Squad 13 and Captain Kurotsuchi from Squad 12. I know it sounds like an odd mix but I thought that it would be just too terrifying…er…serious…to have just the Captain of Squad 12, and everyone loves Captain Ukitake.


	7. Ukitake & Kurotsuchi

This is Shuuhei Hisagi, welcoming you to this edition of the Seireitei Communication Advice Column. This week we have Captain Jushiro Ukitake and Captain Mayuri Kurotsuchi answering questions!

* * *

**Neeeh, Ukitake Taichou! Did you ever babysit Byakuya when he was little, and if so, did you enjoy it? Bet he was cute! - Mello-chan x**

Ah yes, I did use to teach little Byakuya, although his servants watched over him when he was very young. I do miss his pony tail. He was a handful back then, he had the same iron will but a much sharper temper (and loved playing tag). – Ukitake

He was brat then and is a brat now. – Kurotsuchi

* * *

**Captain Ukitake, how do you keep your spirits up? You're sick all the time but you always seem upbeat about it. I'm depressed almost all the time for now reason. Any advice on how to have a better outlook on life? – Naturally Depressed**

It always helps to have a naturally cheery disposition. I also like to read lots of poetry and spend time in my garden. Having good friends always helps you through troubling times. – Ukitake

I suggest drugs, Naturally Depressed. Come by my office. We're running clinical trials on something that I think will definitely do the trick. You do have two good kidneys, don't you? – Kurotsuchi

* * *

**Um, sir, I just thought that you should know we've just received papers on a marriage between your daughter, our lieutenant Nemu, and a guy named Ishida Uryu. I think he may be the Quincy accompanying the Ryoka. J-Just thought you should know. - Please Don't Kill Me, I'm Just the Messenger**

Er, I think I'll hold my tongue on this question. Love is grand though. – Ukitake

Coward, come to me and speak to me about it, don't make up such lies! Sure, I haven't seen her for awhile but that doesn't mean she's run off with someone. I'm sure she's just doing research. In fact, perhaps she is with the Quincy but is doing it just to draw him to me for further study. I'm sure there's nothing to worry about. Nemu, if you're reading this, it's time to come home, the lab is getting dirty and there's no one to hand me towels when I'm in the bath. – Kurotsuchi

* * *

**Ukitake, what are you suffering from? And is it contagious? – Germaphobe**

It's tuberculosis, more specifically XDR-TB (extensively drug resistant tuberculosis). I was infectious when I first caught it, although luckily I didn't give it to Shunsui, who was watching over me at the time. I'm on medication all the time and am not infectious to anyone. - Ukitake

I've developed a new treatment option for Captain Ukitake to try but for some reason he won't consent to treatment; something about "not wanting to use living corpses to make me better", which is nonsense. What else am I going to use them for? – Kurotsuchi

* * *

**Kurotsuchi-san, you posted an article in the Seireitei Communication Magazine called, "Effective Medication for the Brain," what is it about? –Brains**

Oh, I read that one. I felt bad for all of the mice and chimps (and not to mention Squad 12 members) that had to go through the test trails though and I couldn't finish it. – Ukitake

To control strong emotions relies on complex interactions of brain chemicals to regulate the millions of nerve cells in your limbic system. The limbic system and the hypothalamus are responsible for igniting appropriate emotional reactions and for maintaining some degree of control, which is necessary for clear and adaptive thinking. These brain structures also influence a number of biological functions such as sleep, appetite, sex drive, physical and mental energy, and activity levels. To carry out these necessary functions, the brain must maintain a delicate balance of neurochemicals - most notably serotonin, norepinephrine, glutamate, GABA, and dopamine…are you ok Ukitake? Don't tell me you are going to sleep, this is most interesting. - Kurotsuchi

* * *

**Ukitake-san, your story published in the Seireitei Communication Magazine, "Rejection of the Twin Fishes! (Sougyou no Okotowari!)," is about your zanpakuto, Sougyou no Kotowari, and their catchphrase is, "I will reject them!" Was it 'inspired' from Inoue's Orihime's Shun Shun Rikka's command? -Curious Person #430**

Er no. I outdate Ms. Inoue by quite a bit, although the similarities are definitely there. I wonder if we're somehow related? – Ukitake

A stupid question by a presumably stupid person. Do yourself a favor and stop by my office and volunteer for some brain altering drugs. – Kurotsuchi

* * *

**Ukitake-san, what are the names of your five unnamed brothers and two unnamed younger sisters? -Name Needed**

Kenjiro, Ciro, Shirou, Tushiro, Shiroko, Mashiro, Shirome. I guess my parents had a thing for "Shiro". – Ukitake

Why not just number them one through seven, eight counting you, and get it over with. No creativity at all. At least I named Nemu after Nimue, the witch who stole all of Merlin's wisdom and secrets and then cast him into a deep sleep. – Kurotsuchi

* * *

**Captain Ukitake, where do you get all that candy? – Sweet Tooth**

Oh, there's a great shop just outside the Western Gate that I go to, and I also order from Urahara's Shop to get the more exotic candy from the world of the living. I love chocolate especially, and chocolate covered fruits of various kinds. – Ukitake

I made him some candy to give to Captain Hitsugaya but he refused to give it to him. There was nothing dangerous in it, just a little growing serum. - Kurotsuchi

* * *

**What do you think of yachiru-chan? – Not Yachiru, I swear**

I think she's just adorable. Don't get her mad though, she can be quite frightening! – Ukitake

Good lord that little monster could devour the whole earth if she wanted to. The destructive power in her tiny form almost rivals that of her captain. - Kurotsuchi

* * *

**Have any of you seen Byakuya-Taichou's koi? They seem to be missing. – Game Warden**

That's odd, because I seem to have been gaining a lot myself. They've really be reproducing like crazy. Perhaps you can get some advice from my gardener on how to make them happy and productive. – Ukitake

You are both imbeciles. – Kurotsuchi

* * *

**Kurotsuchi-sama, you're very sexy without your mask and make-up on. I'd think it'd be better if you were without them. - Sexy Scientist #5**

When did you see him without makeup? I've been trying to see him au natural ever since I've heard that he doesn't look like a frea…er…that he looks quite normal but haven't been able to get a glimpse of him yet. – Ukitake

Are you stalking me? Or is that you Nemu? I thought I told you to come home. Otherwise, like I care what the cretins think of me. The body paint is not purely cosmetic in any case, it help with my camouflage technique. – Kurotsuchi

* * *

**Kurotsuchi-san, after you turn into liquid, how do you turn back to normal? -Mr. Solid**

He…turns into liquid? Like, all of him? That's pretty scary…er…cool? – Ukitake

My body natural hardens after a time, like hot wax when it cools. It hardens more quickly if exposed to certain chemicals. – Kurotsuchi

* * *

**Captain Ukitake, exactly what is you relationship to Captain Kyoraku? – Best friends or…?**

I'm not sure what you're trying to infer. We are very close and always have been. – Ukitake

My bet is that Ukitake will win eventually, sooner if he took my up on my offers for experimental drug therapy and surgery enhancement. He said that he had no desire to be a woman though. Pity, I think it would be a fun project. – Kurotsuchi

* * *

**What do you two do in your spare time? – Curious George**

I like to garden, or to feed my koi. I also am learning how to make taffy! Although, it usually gets stuck all in my hair and is quite annoying. Oh! Also, I write children's books! My sisters do art for them and we sell them to keep the old estate running. – Ukitake

Science IS my free time. Whatever I don't get done in the lab comes home with me to my home lab. Aside from that I do go to the festivals, you can always pick up a couple passed out drunks on the way home for "voluntary" experimentation. – Kurotsuchi

* * *

Well, that's it for this advice column! Next week we'll have Squad 10 Captain Toshiro Hitsugaya and the 7th seat of Squad 4 Hanataro Yamada answering questions. May I ask, please no "short" questions? I kind of promised the little captain…er…Captain Hitsugaya that he wouldn't have to answer any.


	8. Hanataro & Hitsugaya

Shuuhei Hisagi here. I have to admit at being a little shocked by how many fangirls (and fanboys) there are out there for Hanataro and Captain Hitsugaya. It kind of made me a little depressed actually. Regardless, here are their answers to your burning questions!

* * *

**Hanataro, I've heard you have a brother, but people say he was mean. What was he really like? - Shooting For First**

We're actually spread out a little in age so I didn't know he very well before he left for the academy. He was always nice to me. It was his letters to me about Captain Unohana that made me have the courage to become a shinigami in the first place. I've heard rumors about him being a little shady, but I've never heard any details. I don't know if people really don't know the details or they're just not telling me. – Hanataro

It was before my time, obviously. It seems odd that anyone related to Hanataro could be mean though. – Toshiro

* * *

**Do you get cold in winter? – Chilly**

I assume this is for Captain Hitsugaya. I get cold all the time. I must have thin blood. – Hanataro

No. I hate the heat though. – Toshiro

* * *

**Who is your best friend? – BFF**

Well, before I might have said no one, but ever since we spent some time in the World of Living working and sharing an apartment together, Ganju Shiba and I have been really close. I would consider him my best friend, I hope he feels the same about me. – Hanataro

I would say that the person I'm closest with is Momo Hinamori. We grew up together. – Toshiro

* * *

**Hitsugaya Taichou, what exactly is your relationship with Hinamori? Are there a few sparks of romance or? - Mello-chan**

I'm staying out of this one. Lieutenant Hinamori seems really nice though. – Hanataro

Why does everyone always ask that? Can't anyone ever be nice to someone without instantly being accused of wanting to marry them? This is why I try to just ignore people when they talk to me. - Toshiro

* * *

**What is your biggest insecurity? – Insecure**

Oh gesh, I have a lot of insecurities! I'm not tall enough, or strong enough, or tough enough for most things. I feel weak all the time and like I'm dragging down my friends by not helping enough. I try the best I can though, that's all anyone can really do, right? - Hanataro

Like I'm going to answer that. It's none of your business. – Toshiro

* * *

**Toshiro, would you like some candy? - This-is-not-Ukitake-or-Yachiru**

I like candy, even though too many sweets make me hyper. – Hanataro

NO. - Toshiro

* * *

**If you two had to be a part of another division, which one would you choose? – Trying to Choose a Division**

I think I'd go with Squad 13. Captain Ukitake is really nice, plus I could see Rukia a lot more. Not only that, think of how useful I could be if the captain wasn't feeling well! – Hanataro

Well I'd choose Division 8 just because Lieutenant Ise seems to have a good head on her shoulders. The whole squad is full of woman chasers and drunkards though, so maybe I'd go with Squad 5. I could work with Momo and I've already been taking care of the squad for some time now while she's been recovering. - Toshiro

* * *

**What is the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you? – Embarrassed**

Oh good lord, I embarrass myself all the time. I once feel asleep at the academy during class and woke up running around screaming about giant catfish trying to eat me. I've fallen onto Lieutenant Kotetsu many times, because even though she's so big I guess I just don't watch where I'm going. Also, I once tripped and kissed Ikkaku Madarame's bare feet. I thought I was going to die but he just laughed so hard he fell over. – Hanataro

I hate getting candy. Whenever Captain Ukitake gives me candy I feel like sinking into the floor. Please stop people. I don't like sweets and I'm not a child. - Toshiro

* * *

**Do you have any pets? If not, what is your ideal pet? - Cat Lover**

I love all sorts of animals! I have a collection of turtles and lizards in my room because it's not big enough for larger animals but I'd love a cocktail, a kitten, or one of those tiny dogs that you can carry around in a backpack. – Hanataro

I'm allergic to pet dander and hairless pets freak me out. - Toshiro

* * *

**You both have pretty unusual birthdays. Toshiro, do you get birthd****ay or Christmas presents?And Hanataro, are you pretty much pranked all the time on your birthday?-Curious Non-Birthday Girl**

I get pranked all the time, but especially on my birthday. It's actually like a holiday in Squad 4; everyone tries to out do each other. I'm sure it's all in good fun but sometimes it's embarrassing to get so much attention. – Hanataro

Not only do I only get one present but it's usually wrapped in Christmas themed paper. I don't care though; I don't like celebrating birthdays really. I do like Christmas time just because it's usually cold and snowy, and I do enjoy the lights. – Toshiro

* * *

**Hitsugaya-taichou, my little sister has some love problems right now. You and Hinamori-fukutaichou are like siblings, can you give me some advice? -Little brother**

Oh, I give terrible romantic advice. – Hanataro

Try to stay out of it. Trust me, you'll just get an earful and you really don't want to hear about how great so and so is every minute of the day. Say something vaguely supportive like "follow your heart" and "I'll be there for you" and don't ask for any details. Unless the guy is mean to her, then kick his ass. - Toshiro

* * *

**Ah! I want to ask Hanataro something! Will he be my boyfriend? – Boyfriendless**

Haha! That's sure a funny joke! I'm going to hide in the corner for awhile. – Hanataro

God he's dense. - Toshiro

* * *

**Hanataro, lately, my heart is having some kind of seizures. Every time I see my friend, it goes pretty wild. Am I having a heart attack? -Heart Attack**

Unless you're allergic to your friend (and trust me, I have some really weird allergies) then I suggest you talk to your friend about it. It might be that you really like them but you just can't admit it yet. Maybe they like you. The only way to know is to bring it up to them (slowly so it doesn't frighten them!). – Hanataro

You either like him/her or hate them. Figure it out and leave the rest of us out of it. – Toshiro

* * *

**Hanatarou, why does everyone pick on you? Do you really do anything to provoke them? – Not a bully**

I think maybe it's just because I'm small. Maybe people just don't like small people. Or shy people. Or people who are a little odd. I don't know, but I try to not let it get to me or else I'd never go out. Think of how many things I would have missed if I never had gone out and meet Rukia, or Ichigo, or Ganju? - Hanataro

He's too open and too meek. He needs to act more distant and angry and people will leave him alone more often than not. - Toshiro

* * *

**So, when are you going to ask out Hinamori? Huh? Huh? (nudges suggestively) – Ask Already**

Mouth zipped. – Hanataro

There was way too many of these questions, and I don't know why you think I feel the need to answer them. Go find a better hobby. – Toshiro

* * *

Wow, Captain Hitsugaya certainly wasn't very forthcoming, was he? At least we got him to answer some things though, I'm almost surprised he agreed to do this in the first place! Thanks for helping us our, Hanataro and Captain Hitsugaya. For our next week we will have Captain Byakuya Kuchiki answering questions. Our other person has fallen ill at the last minute so we'll have Lieutenant Renji Abarai back again. Thank you for reading, and remember to send in your questions!


	9. Byakuya & Renji

This is Shuuhei Hisagi, thanking you for reading this edition of the Seireitei Communication's Advice Column. I also wanted to thank those of my fans out there who wished me well when I complained a little in the last column, thank you for the pick me up! This week we received quite a few questions. Also, pay attention to the end because we have a special edition next week! I'll leave it now to Captain Kuchiki and Lieutenant Abarai to answer their questions.

* * *

**How do you keep your subordinates in line, Captain Kuchiki? - Little Neko**

An icy cold stare is all that's really needed. In general most people are too frightened to get out line when I'm around anyways. I imagine that the right attitude goes very far in keeping people in line. My advice would be to not get too close to your subordinates or be too casual with them, and let them always be afraid of you. – Byakuya

Pound 'em, that's what! I swear they think that just because I'm around somehow I'm going to let them get away with all sorts of stuff. Who do they think gets in trouble if they get caught? Me, that's who! I don't want to be buried behind a desk of paperwork my whole life, or cringing under Captain Kuchiki's stare wondering if I'm going to be sliced to death in a few seconds, no thank you! - Renji

* * *

**Renji where do you get your awesome tattoes? - Renji Obsessed Fan**

He doodles of himself at work too. Highly unprofessional. – Byakuya

I have a friend who does it all for me. They're all my own design based off of my zanpakuto (if you've see them materialized you'll know what I'm talking about). The places that are easier to get to I do myself. - Renji

* * *

**Where do you cut your hair? It's always so straight and pointy on the ****ends. – Normal Hair**

I get my hair done at the Kuchiki family hair stylist. When I was younger I refused to go and used to cut my own hair using the end of my zanpakuto. That didn't go over well with the family. – Byakuya

There's a really cool place that Shuuhei introduced me to where I go. They really like shinigami there and make me feel like a celebrity. The spikes are just due to hair product. My hair can get all frizzy so I run some gel through it before tossing it up in a head band (or preferably behind goggles). - Renji

* * *

**What are your biggest pet peeves? - Annoyed**

Lack of common courtesy, unnecessary loudness, delinquency, indolence. – Byakuya

I hate people that are too uptight for their own good and who use words I don't understand on purpose. - Renji

* * *

**Renji, since your zanpakuto is kind of two people, do you have a split personality? – Bipolar**

Perhaps it refers to the lackadaisical Renji and the earnest Renji. – Byakuya

I'm not really sure, but I always like to think of it as the person I am and the person I try to be, constantly trying to balance each other. I'm sure I'll get there one day. - Renji

* * *

**Have you ever seen a gravestone with "Death by Cherry Blossom" on it? Seems kind of lame, but I have. – Gravestone Reader**

It means someone either had a very honorable death or a very unfortunate one. – Byakuya

Yeah, pretty sure that's gonna be my gravestone. - Renji

* * *

**How do you guys get your hair to be so luscious and all perfect? I'm sooooo jealous! –HairFanatic**

Kuchiki hair is naturally soft and luxuriant, rarely breaking and needing minimum care. – Byakuya

I bet you he's lying. He probably spends a fortune on hair products. I have a favorite brand of shampoo and conditioner I use. It's really good, although it smells like cherry blossoms, so you have to be ok with that. I've been using it for years. - Renji

* * *

**Bya-kun, what do you think of Ichigo and why do you hate him so much? - Not-A-Byakuya-Fan-Girl**

Please refer to me more formally. I don't doubt you are a friend of Ichigo's, perhaps Ichigo himself. I do not hate the boy he merely needs to informed at to the way the world works and to follow its rules. His idealism gets out of hand, as does his familiarity. - Byakuya

Haha, "Not a Byakuya Fan Girl". Thank goodness, he has enough! - Renji

* * *

**Renji, are you totally sure you haven't dyed your hair? - Chappy the Rabbit**

Is all that is interesting about us our hair? He doesn't die his hair. – Byakuya

Um, I don't. I guess I'm glad that the captain is backing me up on that but I'm also a little worried as to why he'd be so sure. Anyways, nope, been this way since I was a kid. - Renji

* * *

**Dear Byakuya, How many hours does it take you to do your hair in the morning? And what haircare products do you use? – Hair Interest**

It is, isn't it? Our hair is the main focus. How odd. – Byakuya

He has to use a serum or something on it, right? I mean, it's all shiny all the time, even in the worst of weather and humidity. Maybe a hot oil treatment every once in awhile? – Renji

* * *

**Captain Kuchiki, why did you pick Abarai-san as your Lieutenant? – Curious**

He was the leading candidate on the list that I was presented with, nothing more. – Byakuya

I don't know, you think he was guilting over the whole "I took Rukia from you" thing or something? Or maybe he just likes red hair? I have no idea because it definitely wasn't based on personality. I'd like to think that I impressed him with my combat ability but he always puts them down. – Renji

**If you could chose anyone else in soul society to be your lieutenant who would you chose? – Wants to be Your Lieutenant**

I am quite content with my lieutenant. – Byakuya

You…you are? Um…I'd pick Kira probably. We're really close and I know we could work well together. Though all of our training we really know how each other fights. - Renji

* * *

**Renji, since**** you ha****ve kind of lost out to Ichigo with Rukia, have you ever felt compelled to go with the other Kuchiki? You and Byakuya have something right? Admit it! Also Byakuya, I love you! x' -Mello-chan**

First of all, Rukia has no interest in the human substitute shinigami Ichigo Kurosaki. Secondly, I find your question highly personal and even offensive (your "love" for my not withstanding). – Byakuya

Ichigo wishes! I happen to know for a fact Rukia doesn't like odd colored hair. She's told me that often enough. As far as my captain and I, you really think that's something that I would consider when he's just sitting there staring at me? Have you _seen_ his stare? - Renji

* * *

**Have you ever thought about cutting your hair really short? – I like Short Hair**

I refuse to answer any more hair related questions. – Byakuya

I would really hate to see my captain with short hair. I like it the way it is now. As for my own hair, never! It might sound kind of girly but I take pride in my hair. It's like…a manly lion mane or something…right? It makes me look fierce? - Renji

* * *

**Are your drawings skills as pitiful as Rukia's? – Art Lover**

My art style is flawless, just like my calligraphy. All Kuchikis are taught to draw from an early age. I've been very proud of how Rukia had adapted to our style. – Byakuya

Woah, you _taught _her to draw that way? I thought someone just didn't take the crayons away from her in grade school fast enough. I, however, am great at drawing. I drew this picture of me fighting a dragon while flying on another dragon over a volcano…and I had like angel wings and stuff…it was way cooler than anything I've ever seen Rukia do. - Renji

**

* * *

**

**Ooooh! Congrats on the new addition, Kuchiki! I'm sure Ichigo and Rukia are going to be great parents; oh, and they named you the godfather, Renji! I'm so jealous! - Congrats from Urahara Souten**

Your jokes have not aged well over time Urahara. Perhaps we should be looking into a "home" for you, I'm sure we can find something very comfortable. – Byakuya

Please don't say things like that, it makes me shiver. Seriously. - Renji

* * *

**Guess what, Byakuya my boy, we're family now! So, how's how about you, me, and Ryuken and maybe even Kisuke (if he can get away from his pretty kitty if you know what I mean) get smashed and turn Karakura upside down! But you tell that hoodlum lieutenant to stay away from my new daughter! I don't want my grandchild around ruffians like that! If he comes by, we're going to box!" - Old Goat Kurosaki**

If you are referring to the quincy Ryuken, we would kill each other on sight. As for the rest of your suggestion, should the occurrence ever come up, know that I would be visiting you with quite a different aim in mind. – Byakuya

Haha! Please, I mean it, the idea of Kurosaki as a dad makes me wake up with chills. Rukia is much to good for him. The whole "I'd go after their daughter" thing is wrong on about a dozen levels. - Renji

* * *

**Where DID your grandfather wear his kenseikan? – Aristocratic Observer**

It is not required for the head of the family to wear it, I choose to out of respect for my heritage but there is no shame in choosing to go without. – Byakuya

I bet you he wore it someplace pretty uncomfortable. - Renji

* * *

**The bottom part of your shinigami uniforms kind of looks like a long skirt. Would you wear dresses if you had to? Would you want to wear dresses? – Crossdresser**

I wear a male style kimono in my free time. I am not like Captain Kyoraku, I keep myself in male clothing. – Byakuya

Oh man, this one time I got really drunk and Rangiku was like "oh my gosh, you'd look good in a bra!" so I…you know, this story probably shouldn't be told in front of my captain. Besides, woman's clothing is too uncomfortable. – Renji

* * *

That's it folks, a long one this time! Also, the surprise mentioned: We're having a holiday special. If you have any Christmas or New Year's questions you'd like to ask any lieutenant or captain, send them in! Try to keep them holiday orientated so that they fit into our special Seireitei Communication Holiday Edition of the newspaper. Thanks for reading, see you next time!


	10. Christmas & Holiday Edition

Shuuhei Hisagi here, it's time for the special Christmas edition of the Seireitei Communications. We have short stories, directions on how make different holiday treats, as well as some old photos we found of the Seireitei decorated for the holidays in the past. Today in the advice column we left it open to all captain and lieutenants! Tracking Gin down for his answers wasn't nearly as hard as I thought it was once I talked to Lieutenant Matsumoto.

* * *

**Dear Gin, you know how you have that wide creepy smile? How many ornament balls can you fit in your mouth? – Talent Scout**

It really depends, if we're talking about average size round ornaments I can hold five, although I prefer the newer plastic ones and don't do glitter. I was spitting up glitter for a week before I learned that lesson. - Gin

* * *

**Unohana and Isane: Is it the rumor that the two of you both plan to catch 7th seat Yamada under the mistletoe true? -3rd Seat in Cool Shades**

I don't celebrate Christmas and I'm pretty sure we've already discussed this. – Isane

Don't you have paperwork to do? - Unohana

* * *

**Yachiru! What's your favorite flavor of candy canes? – Candy Lover**

I like the cinnamon ones because they kind of burn your mouth if you put a bunch in at the same time! – Yachiru

* * *

**Nemu, what is your New Year's resolution? - Terrified of Your Father**

I want to build my very own personal seven story tall mech. I think I'm going to paint it purple and white to match my captain's makeup. – Nemu

* * *

**Hey Shuuhei, have you ever thought of getting a Christmas-themed tattoo? If so I'd be happy to help ;) – ProSeireteiTattooArtist**

I already have a Christmas tattoo that Renji forced me to get when I was drunk one Christmas eve. It's a candy cane in a place I won't mention. - Shuuhei

* * *

**Yamamoto-sama, where did you get all your scars? – Curious but would Never Ask**

It took Komamura a while to get used to interacting with regular shinigami without being too rough with those claws of his. - Yamamoto

* * *

**Kenpachi, why are you so addicted to fighting? – MMA Watcher**

Everything else is boring. This question is boring. And no I don't have a special clause that I stop fighting just because it's some crappy holiday. That was a lame excuse Ichigo and I won't let you get away with it next time. - Kenpachi

* * *

**Captain Hitsugaya, how do you keep Hyourinmaru under control despite how powerful he is? - Scared-of-Most-of-the-Captains**

As a dragon he actually likes being pet behind the ears. He also is fond of ice cream. I have usually been able to force him to behave using those two facts. – Toshiro

* * *

**To Shuuhei: What would you like for Christmas? -Your Festive Secret Admirer**

I've always wanted to try spiked eggnog. It requires something called Brandy though and they don't sell it here in the Soul Society. - Shuuhei

* * *

**To Komamura-taichou: Does your fur keep you warm during the winter? -Curious Canine Fan**

I'm always kept quite nice and toasty, but I'm even warmer once my winter coat comes in. In the spring it's a hassle to clean up after all of the shedding though. - Sajin

* * *

**To Gin: Why do you smile like a pedo? Do you know of the things people write about you because of it? – Pedo Bear**

I rather thought that my smile was like the Mona Lisa, mysterious and mischievous. I suppose people who tend to think a certain way might misinterpret that however they want. Besides, have you seen me when I'm frowning? It's infinitely worse. I'm interested in these writings you're talking about, although if it's anything like what Rangiku writes in her spare time maybe I don't want to see it. - Gin

* * *

**To Kira: What is the worst Christmas present Gin Ichimaru has given you? – Bad Gift Giver**

He gave me a dead rat. He said that I like cats, and that cats give dead rats as presents all the time. I wasn't sure what to do with it. Luckily a real cat somehow snuck into the office and stole it before it became an issue (or too smelly). - Kira

* * *

**This is to Captain Kuchiki: What are you getting Rukia for Christmas and can we have a totally awesome Christmas party at your manor? – Christmas Partier**

I am getting Rukia a pet bunny just as she requested. I have made it a habitat outside so that he can roam around in his own little garden. The Kuchiki manor always has a Christmas party however it's not something that you'd be invited to. I suggest you wait for the general Seireitei party on the 24th. I've been told it is amusing enough. - Byakuya

* * *

**Happy Holidays everyone! Can the lieutenants tell me which holiday they're celebrating - Christmas, Hanukkah, Solstice, Festivus...? :) – Holiday Celebrant**

Chojiro – Traditional European style Christmas

Omaeda – All holidays, the family store has sales all winter long

Kira - Christmas

Isane - Solstice

Momo - Christmas

Renji – Christmas usually…what's Festivus?

Iba - Christmas

Nanao - Solstice

Shuuhei - Christmas

Rangiku – Anything I can get drunk at. Whoot Sedar! Wait, that's in spring, right?

Yachiru – Christmas! Plus Bya gets me candy for every night of Hanukkah

Nemu – I don't celebrate any holidays

* * *

**I got a question for Gin! Is he gonna dress up like Santa so he can sca-I mean, entertain small children like Captain Short Stuff *coughcoughHitsugayacoughcough* and Hinamori-fukutaicho? If so can he visit my house? ^x^ - Santa Lover**

I always dress up for all holidays, it's so much fun. Santa is especially fun because you look jolly and everyone expects you to be nice. I like carrying odd things in a sack to hand out to children just in case I get stopped when wearing my Santa outfit. Parents tend to get mad when you hand out coal so I've expanded my horizons and hand out things like toothbrushes, which children hate but their parents can't really complain about. I would gladly stop by your house, but I'm hiding out a bit at the moment. The Soul Society is still angry at the "betrayed them and helped kill all of Central 46" thing. Maybe a raincheck? - Gin

* * *

**To captain Zaraki Kenpachi: Who wears the Santa suit for the 11th's Christmas party? Also, what are you getting Ichigo this year? – Holiday Lover**

It took some doing but we finally got Ikkaku into the Santa suit one year, after plying him with sake. Turns out he likes it now; he goes around asking everyone to sit on his lap. This year I'm going to give Ichigo the fight of his life. All he has to do is look me up. Yachiru is saying something about that not working so I guess I'll get him…uh…bandages…those are always handy. - Kenpachi

* * *

**I have a question for Captain Ukitake. Where do you find the stockings for Captain Hitsuguya? Are they pre-filled or do you lovingly fill them yourself? - Curious About Candy**

Oh I always fill them myself. Toshiro isn't terrible fond of chocolate for some reason so a premade one would be bad. I like getting all sorts of odd candies that are hard to get, ones that change your tongue color, or gum that changes flavor when you chew it. I got him a bunch of fake tattoos this year too. Also some really big stripy socks that are red and green like elves stockings. Oh, and coloring book with stickers in it! - Ukitake

* * *

**"Is it true that your Hyorinmaru's second Bankai attack is what creates the winter, and that we have the yearly season because you're both practicing and just plain old like the cold more than the rest of us?" - I like the cold too- but not that much.**

There's a joke about Squad 10 only having two seasons: "winter" and "Captain Hitsugaya is asleep". I don't know what everyone is complaining about; I make sure it only snows seven months out of the years in my division. I don't cause world or realm wide weather however, although you don't want to be five miles of me when I'm angry. - Toshiro

* * *

**Renji, you have to be stressing about what to get your captain. Any ideas? – Worried about my Captain too**

Well, I was going to get him a bonsai tree, but then I found out that good ones are like super expensive, and he'd definitely know if I got him a cheap one. So then I thought maybe perfume. But that's girly. Last year I got him a Chi hair straightener, that didn't go well. Finally I decided to get him a collection of Yoshida Brother's CDs and a CD player. I mean, hopefully he'll like that it's from the world of the living so I know he doesn't have one. Crap, batteries! I'm going to need batteries for the CD player! Damn it! Gotta go. – Renji

* * *

A lot of people are busy for the holidays so for our next edition my good friend Lieutenant Izuru Kira and I will be asking any personal questions or any general advice questions you may have! Send your questions to Shuuhei Hisagi, acting editor-in-chief of the Seireitei Communication or just post them in the comments section or send a PM. Thanks again for reading!


	11. Shuuhei & Kira

Temporary Editor-in-Chief Shuuhei Hisagi here again! I was pretty happy to see how many questions we got this time. Thanks to all fans of the column who sent in questions, Kira and I will try to answer them as best as we can!

* * *

**Shuuhei, do you often work out? - A fan of your abs**

All squads have their own workout and training rooms. Former Captain Tosen felt that the body and mind should be trained together so he set up quite an impressive weight room for our squad, which I make good use of. I find exercise helps me relax so I work out a little after work every day to get the day's stress off my shoulders. – Shuuhei

Um. Yeah, he's pretty solidly built…some people like that I guess. I don't really work out much myself. - Kira

* * *

**Kira, are you relieved that your captain was only kind of evil? – Gin Fan**

Yeah, I think I'm gonna pass on this one. Kira is kind of touchy about it. – Shuuhei

I guess what you mean is that some of his actions can't be ignored and are definitely…questionable. My capt…former captain…is a complicated person. I know from experience that he is a good person though, and I think his eventual actions bear that out. It's good to know that I wasn't abandoned…that the squad wasn't abandoned without a reason. – Kira

* * *

**Lieutenant Hisagi, we all know where your scars come from and what your 69 tattoo means but what about the blue stripe across your face? What does it mean? – TattooMan**

My captain once gave me a book called "The Conquest of Gaul" written by an emperor named Julius Caesar. In it he talked about a band of fierce warriors who proudly displayed their scars, tattooed their bodies, and covered themselves in blue war paint to show their fearlessness in battle. I guess I was a little inspired by that when I decided on getting the blue tattoo, because I was dealing with some…issues…at the time. – Shuuhei

Ok, I've been friends with Shuuhei for a long time and didn't know that at all. I have a tattoo too, but people don't talk about mine. – Kira

* * *

**You had to have known that there was a second meaning to your tattoo when you got it, right, Shuuhei? So do you just not care or what? – TattooCurious**

I'm not really sure what you're talking about. – Shuuhei

He uses it as a pickup line. – Kira

* * *

**Are you guys emo? – Wondering**

We don't really keep up with that many trends here in the Soul Society. Or at least, not many people do. I like music from the world of the living myself, mostly rock and punk. Although I guess emo is supposed to be an offshoot of punk, it's not really my thing. I like the whole guys wearing eyeliner things though. Guys should be able to wear makeup if they want to and not be called names. Not that I do, just saying. – Shuuhei

Shuuhei got me a series of compilation albums called "The Emo Diaries", and I didn't really enjoy the music, although I did enjoy the words and emotions from them. I don't know why everyone keeps saying that though. Ichigo Kurosaki always snickers when he sees me and says some sort of joke about he wishes he had emo grass so that it would cut itself. I'm not sure what that means. – Kira

* * *

**Shuuhei, I read TONS of doujins involving you and Akon. Do you even know the guy? - A perverted schoolgirl**

Well, I mean, we've worked together on a couple of investigations when I had to use the resources of the research and development team to track down some new type of spiritual pressure, but it's not like I've ever sat down with the guy or anything. Um…what kind of doujins are these again? – Shuuhei

I've read those too. - Kira

* * *

**Shuuhei, do you think piercing are sexy? - A matchmaker trying to pair you with Kensei *cough* I-I mean, an innocent reader**

Wow, so the real question is more in the name of the submitter than the actual question. Yes, I like piercings. I actually have one. When you say Kensei, are you talking about former Captain Muguruma? I haven't spoken to him since I was a child. I saw him briefly, but didn't get a chance to thank him. – Shuuhei

Not that you asked me, not like anyone is asking me anything, but I really like piercings. - Kira

* * *

**Do you receive questions that are so weird that you can't publish them? What was the worst one? - No one**

Er, well, the Seireitei Communication gets quite a lot of mail. You have no idea how many people want to know the sexual habits of the captains! I try to ignore those. Not that it wouldn't make a great story if someone like…say…Captain Kuchiki was dating someone he shouldn't, but I think I might get in trouble for even breathing any details about in a public forum like the paper. Otherwise, we try to publish and answer any questions we can. – Shuuhei

After Captain Ichimaru, I feel up to facing any question really. - Kira

* * *

**Hisagi-san, did you enjoy the brandy I sent you? Also, why is the wall outside your office now painted pink with purple hearts? - Confused Secret Admirer**

I assumed Yachiru just got bored, but if it's someone else…that's nice? Creepy? Not sure. I did enjoy the brandy I got; also the tequila, the vodka, the various beers…do I seem like an alcoholic? Is that why people have been sending me this stuff? - Shuuhei

I drink more than Shuuhei anyways. Surprisingly, he's a lightweight. - Kira

* * *

**Are you a dog-person or a cat-person? -Animal Enthusiast**

Cats! I really want to have my own cat and am hoping to adopt next time that Captain Komamora's cat has a litter. – Shuuhei

Dogs. They are loyal and will never leave you. Cats don't care, are distant and aloof, and could care less what you think about them. The best pet is fish though. They completely depend on you and can't go anywhere (plus they're relaxing to watch). – Kira

* * *

**Shuuhei, how has it been reconnecting with Kensei after seeing your former idol? - Hisagi fangirl**

Like I said, I didn't get a chance to talk to him yet. I'd really like to… - Shuuhei

Shuuhei was too upset with having killed his captain to really talk to anyone much immediately after the battle. - Kira

* * *

**What is the meanest or craziest prank Gin ever pulled on you? –Prankster**

He changed the font on the Seireitei Communication printing press to be webdings, then did a find and replace and got rid of all vowels to be replaced by the letter "x". It took me a _very _long time to get that cleared up. – Shuuhei

He stripped me naked, bound me up and left me in a pile of quick sand. After I escape he has giant spiders chase me and then I caught on fire. Turns out it was all just hallucinations from some drug he gave me. He had quite a lot of fun scaring me for the whole 72 hours it took for it to get out of my system. Just…just normal fun…right? - Kira

* * *

**Aside from Rangiku, of course, who do you consider the most attractive female shinigami? -Lady-Killer**

Without a doubt, Lady Shihoin. She turns into a cat and runs around naked. That's pretty awesome. – Shuuhei

Er, not all females have to be so showy about it, you know? Momo is pretty in her own way and doesn't have to run around showing her boobs or naked all the time to prove it. - Kira

* * *

**Hey Kira, are you hoping to become Captain now? You know, after the Gin and Amagai incidents. - Random 3rd Squad Member**

Hahahahaha. God, can you imagine "Captain Kira?" Especially BEFORE me? I don't think so. – Shuuhei

I'm happy where I am right now. I have no ambition for more, but would move up if responsibility needed me to. – Kira

* * *

**Has Rangiku ever "taken advantage" of you guys while you were drunk? – Designated Driver**

Let me tell you, man does she get touchy-feely when she gets some alcohol in her system. – Shuuhei

She becomes…inappropriate under the effects of alcohol sometimes, but nothing serious. – Kira

* * *

**To Kira, who would you rather sleep with, Gin or Shuuhei? - Yaoi Obsessed Fangirl 15**

Wow. – Shuuhei

What I said earlier, about being prepared to answer anything? I guess I lied. - Kira

* * *

**How do guys feel when a girl asks them out? I mean, it isn't all old-fashioned now and I'm hoping you guys have experience - Confused Adolescent **

Are you kidding? You don't have to do any work at all. It's great. – Shuuhei

It's a little unladylike to be so forward, I think. I mean, the man should be more aggressive in the relationship, right? – Kira

* * *

**To Kira, do you think Gin's a pedo? If you do, do you wish you were a kid again so he could rape you? ;) ~ShotaconLuver**

I am laughing so hard! I shouldn't have had the brandy while writing this. – Shuuhei

I…no. To both. - Kira

* * *

**Shuuhei, your zanpakuto is awesome, I think you should be less scared of it and train with it more, preferably in a well populated area. -Kazeshini**

Ok, now I've drunk too much. I mean…zanpakuto can't write, right? Haha, that rhymed! Er, no. To whatever wrote this, no. I've been practicing a lot with you…er…with my zanpakuto but I'm not comfortable doing it in front of a lot of people yet. – Shuuhei

Way better than the last question. - Kira

* * *

**To both of you, I have a small crush on someone. But there's one problem, we both hate each other's guts! What the hell do I do? - heartbroken1815**

That's the best! Seriously, fire and ice relationships have the very best se… - Shuuhei

Er, Shuuhei seems to have collapsed. I'm sure that he's just…tired. Try to talk to the person to see if they like you too, it might just be some sort of misunderstanding that has the two of you at each other's throats in the first place. Or not. Like Shuuhei said, sometimes the whole "opposites attract" thing really works. – Kira

* * *

Man does my head hurt. Um, oh yeah, next week we have special guests as two of the ryoka who invaded…and then helped…the Soul Society answer questions for you (via special request from Rangiku Matsumoto). We will be having Orihime Inoue and Uryu Ishida answer…what, doesn't the quincy hate all shinigami? Why would he agree to…nevermind. Both will be here for our next column, hope you enjoyed this edition!


	12. Orihime & Uryu

This is Shuuhei Hisagi, temporary editor in chief of the Seireitei Communication, welcoming you back for another advice column! Thanks for all of your questions this week (which were quite a lot!) This week Orihime Inoue and Uryu Ishida from the world of the living will be fielding your questions.

* * *

**Which captain is the scariest? - Terrified of Authority**

Captain Soifon is kind of scary. She says that I talk to Yoruichi too informally and that I need to be taught respect. I was just petting her, she's a cat, right? Cats like getting pet. I don't know why Captain Soifon got so angry. - Orihime

Captain Kurotsuchi. I can't believe that they allow someone so obviously deranged be a captain. - Uryu

* * *

**What is the strangest thing you have ever eaten? - Food Critic**

For some reason after I eat chicken I always want chocolate, so I got some chicken gravy and froze it to be like popsicles and then dipped them in chocolate. Once it hardened I dipped it in chili powder to make it a little spicy. It was really good but I think that it would be better with some lime as well next time. - Orihime

I had boiled sea slug once. The texture is that of jello but it tastes like meat. I'd rather not eat it again. I avoid all of Orihime's cooking because I enjoy very plan food myself. - Uryu

* * *

**To Ishida: Who would you consider your best friend? - Ichigo (please be me please be me, I wanna be popular!) Kurosaki**

Uryu doesn't have a lot of friends, so yes, I'd think that Ichigo was who he was closest too. Hi Ichigo! - Orihime

I don't have a best friend, and if I did it wouldn't be a shinigami, and if he or she was a shinigami it sure as hell wouldn't be Kurosaki. - Uryu

* * *

**I love this guy but nobody likes him, he's very distant and he kills people when he's angry. How can I work this out? - Poisoned Lover**

I don't know, he sounds kind of dangerous. Don't you think that your affections might be better if turned to someone a little more nice? I know that sometimes there's nothing you can do about it, and you just like a person, but you should be careful. Maybe you can help him with his anger problems? - Orihime

I barely see how that is different from any other shinigami. Maybe he just likes his distance. I'd leave him alone, some people like to be left alone. - Uryu

* * *

**Orihime, how do you put up with Chizuru always trying to grope you? - Weirded Out**

Oh, I'm sure that she's just doing it to be funny, she doesn't mean anything by it! Sometimes when things bother you it's better to just ignore them. - Orihime

Honestly, if anyone attempted to touch me in that way I'd break something. A broken jaw would serve Chizuru right, and maybe she'd learn some important lessons about boundaries. - Uryu

* * *

**Ishidasan, your marriage papers have gone through successfully. The Seireitei has also forged background information for Ishida Nemusan to enter into your family registry. Uraharasan has already hacked the information into the national records. I (and the rest of the 9th Division) would like to wish you congratulations on your marriage. Also, your doujinshi just came in. I made sure that I got "Chappy's Forbidden Love" signed by Kuchiki Rukiasan (she wishes you congrats too). - Sick of Being Groped By A Drunken Superior**

Oh, Rukia wrote a book? Or did she just buy it? If you're an author now Rukia, congratulations! Also, isn't Uryu kind of young to be married? - Orihime

I...I...I refuse to answer this ridiculous question. - Uryu

* * *

**Of all the shinigami, who has the best sense of style? -Fashion Lover**

I like how Captain Kyoraku dresses! It's so colorful and I bet he has lots of room to hide things. I'd carry snacks with me all the time if I had clothes so flowy. - Orihime

Captain Kuchiki carries himself with class and dignity and his wardrobe reflects that. I especially like how his scarf is kind of like a cape and how he keeps his gloves perfectly white. - Uryu

* * *

**Orihime, do you like chocolate with popcorn? - Weird Food Combinations Rock**

Of course I do! Popcorn is the best for mixing with flavors. I drizzle mine with Hersey's chocolate and strawberry sauce when I want something sweet, or melt cheese on it if I want something a little more savory. - Orihime

Those have to be the most normal ideas I've heard from Orihime yet. - Uryu

* * *

**Ishida-kun, what would your reaction be if you weren't the last Quincy? - SecondToLastQuincy**

Oh, wouldn't that be nice to have more than one? It must be lonely being the last. - Orihime

At least then I could train with someone other than my father. I'm pretty sure that he honestly tries to kill me. Unless...you're not my father are you? Can't I even escape you in the Soul Society? - Uryu

* * *

**Inoue-san, What is about Ichigo's qualities that you like? He just scowls all the time. - Fluffy-writer**

Oh, he's happy sometimes too! But I think his scowl is very much him. He's just so serious all the time, but that's ok. I like how smart he is and how strong he is. Plus his hair is fun! I know that he'd always protect his friends even if he doesn't let them get close. - Orihime

Nothing. He's annoying. - Uryu

* * *

**To both of you, are you guys like an item? And if not, then who are you seeing or hoping to get together with? - CuriousBleachFangurl**

I'm not dating anyone, if that's what you mean... - Orihime

I'm a little too busy to be dating right now. I have to protect the city since Ichigo sucks at it. - Uryu

* * *

**Inoue, you're so pretty! How come you don't have a boyfriend or girlfriend yet? - I volunteer for being said girlfriend**

Oh that's very nice, but I don't even know you. I think Tatsuki might get mad at me anyways. She is always telling me to just ignore all the people that look at me...in that way. I'm not really sure how to deal with it most of the time, so I try to look past it. - Orihime

I'm fairly sure that Chizuru has called dibs already. - Uryu

* * *

**Quincy-boy, where does that obsession of capes come from? They're lame. - Karl L.**

Maybe it's to keep dust of his shoulders? To make it look cool when he jumps? Maybe he has a superhero fetish? - Orihime

Karl Lagerfeld? I enjoy your designs, although I'd prefer it there were more white. And more capes. There's nothing wrong with capes, they're an on old school class of elegance and will never go out of style. They might not be the most practical but they always add something to an outfit. - Uryu

* * *

**To both of you, if you guys were in a relationship wherein you knew your partner was cheating on you, what would you do, especially if you truly loved this person? - Girl-in-the-corner**

I would confront them and try to work it out. Maybe I just misinterpreted things? I believe in second chances, and that most people are good. - Orihime

Cheating is disgusting. If the relationship isn't working out then end it, don't continue dating that person while going after another. Everyone loses in that case. I would dump the cheater, you clearly couldn't trust them anymore. - Uryu

* * *

**Orihime, out of all the captains you've been must close with Captain Ukitake. Any reason you haven't offered to heal him? - Squad 4 Member**

Oh, why, is he sick? - Orihime

Wow, Orihime, just...wow. - Uryu

* * *

**Do you have a hobby ? (You can write everything, even if it's something as lame as sewing) - Quincy hater**

I like cooking and experimenting in the kitchen. I tried photography for awhile but I'm not very good at it, I think. I'm a good artist though! - Orihime

I sew as well as crochet and knit. There's nothing wrong with those things, they're not lame, they're useful. - Uryu

* * *

**You two seem to be pretty nice, responsible kids. What's the craziest thing you've ever done ? - BadAss**

I once was in a contest with Tatsuki to see who could hold their breath under water the longest but I held my breath too long and almost drowned! Tatsuki saved me though because she used to be a junior lifeguard. Also, I don't have a curfew since I live alone so sometimes I stay out really late! - Orihime

Joining up with Ichigo to crash into the Soul Society was definitely the stupidest and craziest thing I've ever done. - Uryu

* * *

**Inoue, this is a request. A serious request. Stop shouting "Kurosaki-kun" all the time ! It just makes everyone want to kill you. And it's very distracting and embarrassing - K.I.**

Um, ok. But it's hard because he's always in danger and I just can't help it. And when he's not in danger he's looking sad so I want to cheer him up. - Orihime

Please, Orihime, listen to this person. - Uryu

* * *

**For Ishida: What's wrong with your father? Why do you hate each other so much? And don't tell me it's about different philosophies, that can't be it. - Loves My Father**

Your dad does seem kind of scary. - Orihime

What's wrong with my father? Ha. If I knew that I'd make him write a prescription for himself and take whatever anti-psychotic meds he obviously needs to be on. He's arrogant, disinterested, disapproving, and pretty much a jerk in every way. I'd rather not even confront him, just live my life and ignore him. I think it has to do with my mother and with me being a quincy, but I honestly have no idea. - Uryu

* * *

**Oh oh! I adore Uryu and just wanted to know more about the training his dad put him through to regain his powers. - Trainee**

I'm not sure how he regained his powers. - Orihime

I don't really know what he did, just that he practically killed me doing it. He told me that I needed to fight him, and I was definitely willing to do that, but it's hard fighting against someone like that without any powers. I did the best I could but failed, and yet when I woke up I had my powers back. He said that he only shot me near the heart when I was exhausted because that's how a quincy can regain their powers, but I never trust what he says. - Uryu

* * *

**To both: Ever thought of hooking up? You guys seemed like you got very close in Soul Society. - Matchmaker**

Uryu will make someone a very good boyfriend, but we're not dating. He's a little too mellow to deal with me for too long...I think I annoy him sometimes. - Orihime

It was chivalry and common sense that made me protect Orihime in the Soul Society. She's too innocent and naive in general, people like that should be watched over so that they don't get hurt. - Uryu

* * *

**For Orihime: Can you send me one of your wonderful recipes? - Cook**

I want to make a cookbook one day so that people can try all of my recipes! Here's a recipe for edible cookie dough (no baking!). Use your favorite chocolate chip cookie recipe and instead of eggs use one tablespoon of water. Then, instead of chocolate chips add other things that will be tasty. I like crunchy stuff in my cookies so I put croutons and pistachios in mine, and substitute the vanilla extract for mint extract. - Orihime

I don't know why, but even though the recipe doesn't sound as bad as some of her others, it made me feel really sick just listening to the ingredients. And you eat it raw like that? - Uryu

* * *

**Uryu, if Ulquoirra came back from the dead and took Orihime from you, would you save her? - I Love Espadas**

It was so sad the way he died. If only he hadn't been so stubborn and just let Ichigo rescue me. - Orihime

Of course I would. I know that she would come for me if I needed help. It's honorable to help your friends. - Uryu

* * *

**Uryu, is one of the reasons you have the Seele Schneider is because you look like a Star Wars fan? - Scifi Geek**

You consider me a friend, Uryu? That's so nice! - Orihime

Er, well yeah. I mean, more than an acquaintance, obviously. And no, I took the weapon because I needed it. Sure it looks cool, especially with my cape, but that had no effect on my decision. I am a Star Wars fan though, but only of the original movies. - Uryu

* * *

**If you both were stuck in an empty room together, what would you two do and what would you bring? - From Squad 5**

Well, snacks obviously. Maybe we could have tea party? I've always wanted to have one and it's not like Uryu could run off anywhere. - Orihime

I usually have my sewing supplies on me at all times. I'd try to do some tricky sewing to keep my mind off of Orihime babbling. And avoid tea parties. - Uryu

* * *

**Orihime-chan, what are your measurements, exactly? I've looked EVERYWHERE, but I just can't find them. Even on stalker sites! Uh... not that I stalk you or anything... really." - Not Uryuu Ishida or Matsumoto Rangiku. Really.**

Oh well I have to get my bras special ordered from France and they cost a whole lot. They just don't come big enough here in Japan. It's really had to get clothes that fit since I have such a tiny waist too. But I'm not going to give you my measurements because that seems kind of personal, and I don't even know you! - Orihime

It's really hard to guess how to make clothing for you when you won't tell me how big you are. - Uryu

* * *

**Ishida, how did you learn to sew? - Sewer**

Well, he does takes classes at school but he already knew how to sew before then. - Orihime

I'm completely self taught. I bought a bunch of books and learned that way when I needed to make myself my first quincy outfit. I'm a perfectionist so I dedicated quite a lot of time to it, which is why I'm so good now. - Uryu

* * *

**"So... Inoue-san? When are you gonna wake up and figure out there's a jerk out there who actually likes you back? Then you can have crazy-weird dreams and feed HIM your psychotic cooking instead of trying to get me to do it. Oh... thanks for the bread that one time, though." - ****Kuchiki Rukia; who is only doing this because Ichigo is too much of a coward to put his name in print. And because she likes to help her friends. And because writing is the third person is surprisingly fun. Maybe I should tell Nii-sama about this...**

What? Who? I already know that Uryu is in love with Rukia so... - Orihime

I'M WHAT? WHY IN THE WOLRD DO YOU THINK THAT? - Uryu

* * *

**Orihime: What's your favorite memory? - Ms. S**

I have a lot of favorites memories. I remember one day when my brother took me to the park, a trip to the beach with Ichigo and Tatsuki and everyone else, I remember when Tatsuki and I first met, of a happy birthday I had with my brother, and of the painful but still sweet memory of when Ichigo saved my brother from being a hollow. - Orihime

Mine is of my grandfather, but it's kind of private. I'm not sure why I'd tell you. - Uryu

* * *

**Ishida, are you in a love battle against Ichigo fighting for Orihime's love? - A Lover**

What? - Orihime

Make up your minds people, unless you suppose I'm some sort of playboy dating half of the women I know. Besides, Ichigo wouldn't have a chance. I can beat him at anything. - Uryu

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Thanks for reading! Next week we have our two female captains answering questions. Captain Soifon of Squad 2 and Captain Unohana of Squad 4 will be here, so send in your questions!


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